Underground

I'm writing to you this time from an inky-black hole in the ground. Well, to be more accurate, it's a tunnel. Okay, a SYSTEM of tunnels - a dark, dank, rocky labyrinth of blackness underground.

What am I doing down here? I can't tell you, it's classified. That's not the important part, anyhow. The important thing to remember is that I WILL get out! If I can fly a fighter jet through downtown Chicago while blindfolded, I can CERTAINLY handle a simple little underground maze! Unless my flashlight goes out.

Well, my flashlight just went out. I considered building new batteries out of the stuff in my pack, and I also thought about constructing an alternate light source. But really, it's just easier to blast my flamethrower every few feet. I don't know why people make fun of me for always bringing it on every mission - it's darn useful!

I found the rest of my team. Their bodies cushioned my fall when I fell down the same sudden drop that they did. Agent Stevens was still alive, and he didn't much care for being landed on. He was grumbling the whole time as he collected everything flammable to make a bonfire for me to see by. I didn't tell him I'd gathered up a bunch of spare batteries and flashlights already - I needed something to keep him busy while I made a grappeling hook and launcher out of a mess kit and Agent Greely's suspenders.

Well, we're back in the main tunnel now. Stevens has managed to smack practically every stalactite with his face. I finally gave him a flashlight, just so I could concentrate without the constant sound of {{SMACK!!}} "OW!" About then is when the tunnel caved in.

Okay, found another tunnel. Stevens lost his flashlight in the cave-in, so he's back to smacking into things. He asked if he could just walk really close behind me, but the guy smells kind of funny, so I told him he was rear-guard. Looks like there's a larger area up ahead - good place to break for lunch.

Stevens apparently didn't pay attention in the academy when they were telling us how to use our mess kits. Either that, or I ended up with an advanced course somehow. He just opened everything up and started eating it. I chose each package carefully, built a small fire, added a few things I brought along myself, and ended up with some fabulous stuffed chicken breasts over rice. I think Stevens had beans. Sure smells like it.

Made a major break-through! I heard a rumbling noise, and began moving towards it. Stevens thought it was another cave-in, and was about to run screaming the other direction before I grabbed him. It turned out to be an underground river! I remembered seeing a river flowing out of a cave on our way up the mountain. A quick look at my compass reveals - it's broken. Well, how many underground rivers can there be around here, anyway? I strapped on a re-breather, shoved one onto Stevens, tossed him into the rushing water, then jumped in after him.

You've never HEARD such whining! You'd think he'd be GRATEFUL that I got him out of the tunnels under the mountain, but NO! All I get from Stevens is "My leg hurts" and "I think it's broken" and "I'm bleeding". I ignored him for a while and looked at the magnificent scenery around us. It was daylight again, and the river was rushing along in front of a beautiful mountain forest. The waterfall we'd just fallen over was particularly lovely.

So, I've got "the item" we came for in my pack, two of us made it out alive, the sun is shining, and it's a beautiful day! I guess things went as well as could be expected. I think we'll lay in the sun on these rocks, and dry out a bit before heading back to the drop point.

Until next time.......

M.I.A.

I suppose you're wondering what's kept me away from here for so long. Well, you should have guessed it would be classified! Let's just say that Bulgaria was lovely, you should never play "Duck Duck Goose" with the Swiss, and sharks don't have the sense of humor that you think they would. That should pretty much bring you up to date!

My last assignment was a doozy! They sent me to Canada this time. Who knew you could have so much fun, so close to home!

I flew a plane w-a-a-a-y up into the Cheecham Hills. BEAUTIFUL country! And I bet it's a LOT easier to land a plane when there isn't 6 feet of snow on the ground! No biggie, I'll make new landing gear before I leave.

I'm just glad I was able to keep the plane from catching fire - the smoke would have alerted the target to my arrival. I was after some guy named "Big Jim" who was supposedly using his caribou-jerky business to smuggle drugs out of the country. I didn't even know they HAD drugs in Canada, at least not the illegal kind! But I guess this guy isn't from around here.

Anyhow, I camoflaged the plane, strapped on some snowshoes, and headed towards Big Jim's jerky ranch. It was nearly dark when I got there - perfect timing for someone who wants to sneak into the caribou shed to warm up and get the lay of the land. There was a snug little hay loft that was just perfect for scoping the place out.

Here's a question for you - why can't caribou SHUT UP and let a person SLEEP?! I should have brought more tranquilizer darts - 20 didn't even get me through the first night! I'm picking a different spot to sleep tomorrow night!

Checked out all of the out-buildings the next day. Big Jim has quite a few buildings! There were all the usual ones you'd expect in a place like this - bunk house, sweat lodge, mess hall, bowling alley, shower house - and just one item you don't see too often. A carousel. We're talking horses and everything! I saw a lot of men walking around in that area, but no one was actually RIDING the thing. Hmmmm.....

As I suspected, the carousel was disguising the entrance to an underground greenhouse and processing facility. Big Jim grows a lot of weed! I think the night guard samples the product, though, because he was REALLY easy to get past.

Okay, nobody mentioned any dogs. Why are there always dogs? And I think they're SICK of caribou jerky, because not only didn't they go for the strips I threw their way, I think they actually got MEANER when they smelled it. Sure could use some tranquilizer darts about now......

People always make fun of me for being "over-prepared". But I say, why NOT take a gas mask with you on a routine drug raid? That way, when you burn some pot to mellow out the guard dogs, you don't end up trippin' yourself! I hope they don't get addicted to the stuff.

Okay, I've got photos of the plants, photos of the processing facilities, photos of the mountain scenery, and photos of the bags of weed going into "Big Jim's Jerky" containers. What else do I need? Maybe some jerky for the road.

I have to say, it's nice completing a mission without any major confrontations! And if I could have made it all of the way back to the plane without meeting anyone, that would have been even better! Unfortunately, I had to handle a couple of poachers about halfway back. But I needed something to relieve the monotony, anyhow. And it was fun making them pull me on their dog sled all of the way back to the plane. I think their dogs enjoyed the break, and I KNOW they liked the jerky! Little buggers ate it all when I was busy roughing up their masters.

HQ found it odd that I was landing a plane with dog sled runners for landing gear on the company air strip. But they're always looking at me funny, I barely notice it any more. I missed the company ping-pong tournament - they wisely chose to hold it while I was on assignment. So the golden paddle trophey will have to come out of my trophey case for a year. That's okay, it was blocking the view of my air hockey medals.

And now I'm just kicking back in my quarters at HQ, checking my email and trying to get the caribou smell out of my clothes. I may have to burn them.

Until next time.....